.:Sunday, August 27, 2006:.
somewhere..
I've never been one to watch movies and I don't think I've ever watched a movie more than twice, except for maybe the lion king. That is until today. I watched "A Cinderella Story" for the third time today. Now before I get labled a total psycho let me try to explain why.
The story revolves around the life of a 17 year old girl. She's lost both parents and lives with her stepmother now. She works hard, in school, at home, in life. She works hard because it distracts her from her problems and eventualy it will be a way out for her. She's graduating a year early and plans on heading away to college..as far away from "home" as possible.
The girl is a social outcast even though she is beautiful, smart, and funny. I think its more her fault though. She hides. Because of how she grew up she doesnt feel like shes worth much. Then she meets a friend who changes her world. For the first time in her life she feels important, wanted, and special to someone. She finds someone that actually understands her and likes her for who she is. She couldnt be happier until she finds out that the guy is the star football player and the most popular guy in school. He has everything a person could want. Friends, fame, and what seems like happiness. But he's not totally happy..there is something missing in his life and she fills that void for him.
So, whats the problem? She doesnt feel like she fits in his world and thinks she'd be doing him a favor if she just disapeared. She also decides to stand up to her stepmother and go for what she wants for the first time in her life. He cant seem to find a way to fit his old world (popularity, football, his fathers dreams) and the world he wants (to be with her and go to college) together. She tells him that the things he has to do cant be harder than what she had to go through. Finally, he stands up to his dad and gets the best of both worlds and they live happily ever after.
Yes, total chic flick. But I like it and I usualy dont like movies.
Anyways, I've been looking for a document I need to straighten out my college stuff. I've spent the whole day looking for it and I cant find it. I found a bunch of other stuff though. One of the things I found was lyrics to a song from Fival (cartoon movie). I used to sing it sometimes and my sister always said I sang it wrong.. so one day she decided to prove herself right so she printed them out.. and we sang it together and recorded it on my phone. Memories suck in a really awesome way. They also make you gain weight! So far the damage they've done to me today: 3 or 4 big chocolate chip cookies and an ice cream bar.
anyways, these are the lyrics.. pretty sweet..
Fv: Somewhere out there,
beneath the pale moonlight,
someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight.
Ty: Somewhere out there,
someone's saying a prayer,
that we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there.
Ty: And even though I know how very far apart we are,
it helps to think we might be looking up at the same bright star.
Fv: And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby,
it helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky.
Together: Somewhere out there,
if love can see us through,
then we'll be together, somewhere out there,
out where dreams come true.
oh and lastly.. something I read today that made me feel good:
Jannah
chotu-meyeh
@ 8/27/2006 09:30:00 PM
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have you ever....
Life bites.. A friend of mine had that next to her MSN name for a few weeks. Every time I read it I'd roll my eyes and smile, thinking of how a summer full of organic chemistry classes can drive just about anyone crazy. But the more I think of that phrase now the more it makes sense to me. Not only that, I actually feel it. Life bites..and when it bites it leavs a scar.
There are things that happen in life that leave you "bitten". The severity of the bite depends on how fortunate you are and how strong you are to fight it. Sometimes you never heal from it..kinda like a poisonus bite that will always leave you with a trace of poison in your system. Eventually, though, the wound will start to heal. Sometimes there will be a scar that people can notice for a while but then it either goes away or they stop noticing. Sometimes you'll forget about it as well. But if it was strong enough and if it hurt enough you probably will always look at that scar and remember how and where you got it.
I have quite a few scars. There's the one I got when I was 6 and fell off of a bike into a ditch. Theres the one I got 5 years ago when I was in San Diego and went to Mission Bay with my dad, his cousin and her family. There are the burn scar I have from a couple summers back when we had the girls halaqahs. And then I have life scars.. Like feeling abandoned and wondering what might've, would've or could've been. Like losing a best friend because of someones jealousy. Like being betrayed and losing trust in people.
All these scars are a part of who I am today. Even though it's been hard sometimes and even though it hurted like hell sometimes I think I've done well alhamdulillah. I've grown stronger..both physicaly and in the deeper, non-pyshical, way.
Now, the thing is (and yes this is the point I've been leading up to), I see this blow that's coming really soon and I know it will leave a scar..a scar that will last my whole life..a really bitter-sweet scar. I dont know if I can handle this scar. I really think it might be to much for me. This scar that I'm talking about is this summer coming to the end. It's bitter-sweet because I've had some amazing days. Amazing yet absolutly horrible and hard. It would of been all worth it and I wouldnt classify the end of this summer as a "scar" if I had reached the goal I was working towards. But I didn't and now...its time for me to go back home..back to reality.
This brings me to my next thought. Have you ever wanted something so bad that you didn't mind risking everything you have for it? That you became selfish for the first time in your life and thought of only yourself? And then once that thing slips away you realize what you've done and how now you need to put just as much energy into fixing the mess you made as you did into messing things up.
I'm not in anyway saying that this summer was a mistake or that fighting for what I wanted was wrong and I know if I was given the chance to go back and do things differently I wouldnt. This summer has been amazing and I have some of the most amazing memories from it. Maybe even some of the best times of my life. All I'm saying is it hurts.
Yes, I'm admitting it (I guess there's a first time for everything, eh?). I'm hurting. And I'm angry. And I feel let down. As far as why I'm hurting..well its no ones business but at least I know why. I just wish I was as clear on who/what I'm angry at and who I feel let down by. I know I'm angry at myself and I feel like I've let others down but the rest is a blurr. I'm just mad at everyone.
At the end of the day its all in the hands of Allah (swt). It's all writen. It's all our qadar. I know that and I accept that. InshaAllah there is good in all that happens and all that has happened. And I know that inshaAllah I'll be alright..its just going to take some time to get used to the scar.
chotu-meyeh
@ 8/27/2006 07:37:00 PM
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.:Sunday, August 06, 2006:.
little kids <3
I know I haven't updated in ages. Alot has happened and alot has changed since my last post but I'm not planning on talking about it. I'm posting because something really touched me today and I don't have anyone to share it with right now =P.
I've had pretty bad depression for the past few weeks. I think all that has happened this summer is starting to get to me. I was handling it alright until my uncle, wife, and her girls started staying here. That added more stress and most of all it caused me to constantly supress my feelings and emotions. So basicly im just exhausted..mentaly, physically, emotionally.. What most people see from me is a front. But today I really really did smile and I was truly happy and ya I was happy, walhamduillah.
I'm taking a seminar on the authority of the sunnah and the methodology of hadeeth at ICSD. Alhamdulillah the lectures are nice. During the second half of the day today I couldn't stay focused so I volunteered to do the babysitting. That was the BEST thing I could have done.
There were 4 boys ages 5, 4, 3, and 1 and half or 2 and a 2 year old girl. The two older boys, Ziyaad and Abdullah, were adorable mashaAllah. If you want them to sit down all you have to do is tell them stories of the prophets. They race each other to be the first to recite a surah you ask them to. When it came time to clean up neither one complained and both pitched in. If you give them something they recite in unison (with the 3 year old, zayd, after them) "Jazaakillahu khairan!!". As far as the 3 year old, he was the troublesome one. Always climbing things and refusing to take a nap. But he still listened and followed the older ones. The girl, Aminah, was a sweety and didn't give me much trouble. The littlest boy was the one that made me the happiest. He really missed his mom and would go to the door and start to cry until I picked him then he'd put his head on my shoulder and hold me really tight and cry for a minute or so then look up at me and smile. He fell asleep in my arms and I sat there while telling the kids a story and holding him and I felt so happy.. I can't explain why but it just gave me the biggest smile ever.. me wants a baby =P. I have to say the cutest moments were when the kids would speak to me in bengali and expect me to know what they were saying.
I can't explain why I love kids so much. If I had to chose my favorite thing in this dunyah, after the people I love, it would be children. The way they are so innocent and loving.. it just melts my heart. I miss the kids I used to teach back home :(
Speaking of home.. I miss home. I never thought I'd miss it or the people there this much. I miss my mom. I miss my sister. I miss my room and space. I miss my friends. I miss my khalas. I miss my brother. I miss my school (yes, I actually do). I miss the simple life there. Don't get me wrong, I've had some good times here in San Diego and I have some amazing friends here but its just not.. I dont know.. its just not what I want.
I wish life was simple.
and ya, I'll just end off on that note.
chotu-meyeh
@ 8/06/2006 09:23:00 PM
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.:Thursday, April 20, 2006:.
"I call you karima to hear your laugh"
My uncle is one of those people that has an answer for EVERYTHING. So when he called and made the mistake of calling me by my sisters name I go "wow khalu, I can't beleive you don't know my voice :(" but I was laughing so he goes "I know your voice, I just pretend to mess up so I can hear you laugh". They started preschool there.. he told me "You have a job if you move here, and we pay good!" I miss it down there. I'm so bad though, I haven't been keeping good contact with everyone there.
I felt like I had a really good day yesterday so later on I was thinking about what I did differently for it to be so awesome and one thing that came to mind was how I treated my parents. I didn't notice this till later but everytime they called me I would answer promptly, everything they asked of me I did, and I took time out to sit with each of them alone and give them a hug and ask whats on their mind and how they're feeling. It's not that I'm usually disobediant it's just that I did more than usual yesterday and I saw the result of my actions in how my day went; I was happy, went to sleep with a smile, and was able to accomplish things that I had been wanted to "get around to" for a long while. So, alhamdulillah. My lesson from yesterday was that nothing but barakaah comes from pleasing your parents and making them happy.
I can't explain how much I hate going to school. I have classes 3 days a week (only morning class on Friday) and the night before classes I literally can not sleep couse all that is on my mind is how torturous the next day is going to be. Besides the fact that I hate the timing of my second class just having to go out as much as I do now and mixing with the kufaar as much as I do is annoying. Another thing that is hard is mixing online classes with attend classes; my advice to anyone that is thinking of doing that: Dont!. The two styles are totally different and I'm finding difficulty mixing them both.
Today I wrote down a list of things I need to do (which actually included updating this thing :P). I have a paper I need to write for one class but other than that I don't have homework today, alhamdulillah. I feel like ditching the list for a while and baking. Yes, I'm weird. So hopefully dad got butter :P. If things turn out good I just might post pictures.
chotu-meyeh
@ 4/20/2006 10:59:00 AM
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.:Thursday, April 13, 2006:.
muslim pickup lines
Something happened yesterday that reminded me of this.. lol..
1. Oh my gosh! I just saw part of your hair, now you're obliged to marry me.
2. Our parents engaged us when we were little; they must have forgotten to tell you.
3. I'd like to be more than just your brother in Islam.
4. To watch you pray is a sin of its own.
5. Will my platinum VISA cover your dowry?
6. You can't play basketball with a jilbab on; marry me and we can go one-on-one our entire life.
7. Muslims are supposed to have many children, and I am more than willing to do my part...
8. Will you help the cause of the Ummah by helping me fulfill my deen? "
9. Wanna pray in jamaat? Shoulder to shoulder, feet to feet?
10. Assalamualaikum, so what time does a hurain like you have to be back in Heaven?
11. What school of thought do you follow, because I thought about you all through school.
12. Can I have your Wali's phone number?
13. So, read any good Surahs lately?
14. Do you believe in the hereafter? Oh, you do? Then you know what I'm hereafter.
15. Would you like to see my collection of Bukhari's?
16. Let's get married so I don't have to lower my gaze every time you walk in the room.
17. Didn't we meet when I went on Hajj/on the day we testified Allah was our lord?
18. Is your dad a terrorist, 'cuz you da bomb!
19. I've had to fast every day since I first saw you.
20. That Noor on your face really brings out your eyes.
chotu-meyeh
@ 4/13/2006 10:56:00 AM
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.:Tuesday, April 11, 2006:.
I miss SD :(
So the other day my mom calls one of the aunties from San Diego and shes like "the whole masjid ribat is at Howayah's right now" and my mom is like "mashaAllah!" and then shes like I'm going to pass the phone around so you can speak to them. It was bittersweet. Brought back soooo many memories. Howayah's house is the house I talked about before with the great view outside. Just talking to them all made me really miss being down there. Later that night Intisar called me and we talked a bit which was also nice.
It's interesting how people can notice the smallest and most odd things about you. My dad is good at pointing these things out to me. The other day we're eating and he goes "you've been eating lemon on your food a lot these days", and I looked at him and was like "even I didnt pay attention to that". Then later on I made him tea and I put the sugar in and mixed it and he goes "whenever you mix sugar in tea you always tapp the spoon on the edge of the cup twice". This time I didn't comment but I payed attention to what I did when I mixed the sugar for mom and noticed he was right. My sister used to do this to my brother all the time..to the point that he would get upset and ask "what are you doing, writing a book about me!"
My brothers pretty cool. He's moved back to Corvallis and commutes to Portland for work, miskeen. He came over the other day and gave me my Cd's back (about time!)..except he forgot one :(. I told him and he was like "wow you keep a good inventory". He's one of those people that picks on me a lot. He was over the other day and started picking on me, I was like "yo, you better stop.. you owe and your still picking on me!" He actually really really owes me. He was at work last week and my other brother called him and was like "you forgot to leave me x money that I asked to borrow".. so Adam is in Portland no way he can get the money to him so he calls me and asks me to lend my other bro the money.. I was like let me check if I have that much on me now and I checked and didn't so hes like can u go get some from the bank? I was home alone and in no mood to walk to the bank but hes like "come on its on walnut it wont take you 15 mins each way", so I did.. and now he owes me :).
and I'll finish updating later couse mom wants me..
chotu-meyeh
@ 4/11/2006 01:12:00 PM
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.:Friday, April 07, 2006:.
if only you let me do it my way!
Last summer some of the girls would go to highland (Linus Pauling? is that the new name?) and we'd chill there. Usually the moms would chill as well. One time Dina's mom was on the phone and when she finished she came and sat with us instead of the moms. She got married like really young and sometimes tells us stories about it.. this is the story she told us that day.
Not too long after she got married she wanted to make a dish(I forgot what it was) but she didn't know how to make it. So she goes to her husband and is like "I was thinking of making 'x' for dinner but I want to make it the way you like it so can you please tell me how you want me to make it?", by doing this and asking more questions she got the whole recipe from her husband. She made the dish and it didn't turn out all that great so she tells her husband "see, if you had let me make it the way my family does it would have turned out right!".. isnt that just like ingenious? When I told my mom the story she told me "make sure you don't tell the story to your husband untill after you use it on him!". I don't think I could ever do that though..
I'm babysitting AQ right now and the kid is driving me crazy. First he wants me to read to him then he wants to look at pictures then movies..the whole time hes turning the monitor off and on, turning the volume up and down, and moving it side to side. Not to mention all the snacks hes asked for in the past half hour alone! I cant help but love him to bits. I want a baby just like him, inshaAllah.
lol.. I better get offline and check what hes doing before he does something that will get me in trouble!
chotu-meyeh
@ 4/07/2006 05:20:00 PM
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.:Wednesday, April 05, 2006:.
just..
I'm really starting to not like the idea of going to class...especially my second class. Its not the class itself as much as it is the timing. I really really don't like the time that it's at and how long it is. I like the teacher and she actually does good in explaining the concepts and is really nice. Today before break she asked us "do you want five or ten minutes?" we were like "ten" and she was like "ok", alhamdulillah this was good for me and Omar since we needed to pray dhuhr. Also, towards the end of class she gave us the option of working through more problems before starting the assignment or starting the assignment right away which would let us out a few minutes early, and ofcourse we chose to start right away. So, alhamdulillah it's not too bad but it's still frustraiting. I guess my day today hasn't been too bad. I got up around 8, checked emails, spent time with mom, ate a quick breakfast, and got ready for class. The first class was alright. Came home answered emails (and got out of going to orientation for online classes!), did some of my math homework, then headed to class. After class mom wanted to go get something from the store and then say salaams to khala Aisha since she is leaving tommorrow..now I just prayed asir and then I dunnu.. see what mom needs..study..get some sleep..get dinner ready since dad should be home any minute.
As far as tommorrow goes..dads off and I have homework so hopefully I get to stay home and don't have to go anywhere. I remembered what I was going to post but I'll post it tommorrow just incase I dont have anything to say then :P. |
chotu-meyeh
@ 4/05/2006 06:00:00 PM
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.:Tuesday, April 04, 2006:.
school started :(
I'm on a sugar streak again! Since I got up today I've had leftover cake and cookies from sunday(had people over), mango sherbet, and now I'm working on the dozen Ferrero Rocher's that khala Aisha gave me. Yesterday I had leftover sweets, a sinckers ice cream bar, and then ice cream again. Oh well, I'll burn the extra calories by studying :P.
School started yesterday. :(. Before I get into that let me talk about the day before yesterday, Sunday. Khala Aisha is leaving Thursday and khala Umm Mish'als brother came to Corvallis to go to OSU on Saturday so my parents decided to invite them and a few other people on Sunday. I usually don't mind when they invite people over except that it was the day the clock changed and I'm usually a bit messed up that day since I'm behind an hour. But, alhamdulillah, the day went well. I had a pretty good time with the guests as well, although towards the end I retreated to my room to work on some things that I needed to finish. When everyone left I look at the clock and its 12. I then get into an argument with my dad over cleaning the kitchen. He tells me I have school in the morning and need to wake up for fajr and that I should leave the kitchen till tommorrow. I said I cant sleep with it dirty plus it would be harder on me to do it in the morning since I have things to do and I don't want mama to do it. He went to bed, upset. I cleaned most of the kitchen but then felt guilty for disobeying him and upseting him so I went to my room and worked on some of the things I needed to do untill a little after 1 then I slept.
Ok, getting to what I did yesterday. I had planned on waking up at 7, which is when my dad goes to work, since I wanted to finish a few things before going to class, which starts at 10. I hadn't changed my clock yet so I kept looking at it and thinking wow its still early untill it said 7:30 and I remembered OMG THIS IS AN HOUR BEHIND and got out of bed. I quickly finished the rest of the kitchen and then sat to do what I needed to do. At 9:30 I got up, got dressed, packed my bag, and left at like 9:50 and got to class like a minute early. This class is entertaining. The teacher is really funny to watch and she looks like an easy grader so Alhamdulillah. I came home at 11 and sat with my mom for a little then sat to finish some things. I prayed dhuhr as soon as it came in and then headed back to school for my second class. I walk into class and the first person I see is my friends brother..I almost walked right out of class. It was cool though. He was in class wearing a thoub and kufi and during break he goes to the hall says iqammah and prayed dhuhr. This class sucks. Its two and a half hours long. The teacher is nice, I know her from before, but her voice is really calm and puts you to sleep :P. After class I went grocery shopping with mom. Then I came home and ate. Then prayed asir. Then dad asked me to do yard work. Then I spent half an hour cleaning my shoes couse they got muddy. Then made dinner with mom. Then did paperwork for dad (for like two hours!). By the time I finished that it was pretty late so we prayed isha and then I went to my room and did some reading for school and then I was too tired to finish reading so I slept.
As far as today, I haven't done much. I'm home alone now. I probably should start on some homework (YES I ALREADY HAVE HOMEWORK!!!!!!!!). hmm.. there was something I wanted to post on here but I forgot.. khair, maybe later.
chotu-meyeh
@ 4/04/2006 02:50:00 PM
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.:Saturday, April 01, 2006:.
....
I'm in one of my bad moods again. I'm not sure why..like really not sure. Maybe it's the fact that break is almost over? maybe it's the feeling of not accomplishing what I wanted. Or, maybe it's just because I've been sick for the past few days and havn't done much, which I hate.
Yesterday I decided I had enough of the laying in bed, or sitting around so I got up and cleaned the house, much to my mothers disaproval. My mom has this idea that when you're sick you don't do any unnecissary work and I'm not really good at following that. I can't stand having to sit around for a couple days. She reminds me that there is so much I can do while "sitting around". For me, reading or doing something that takes intillectual energy is harder on me when I am sick than to do moderate physical activity..so ya, this is one thing me and my mom differ in. Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal.
I went to the masjid yesterday. I'm not sure why I keep mentioning this every week since I think by now anyone that reads my blog on a semi-constant basis would have figured out that in general I go to the masjid every Tuesday and Friday. Likewise, they also figured out that when I mention that I went to the masjid on either of those days I usually follow it up with "it was alright alhamdulillah". :P. So ya, it was alright alhamdulillah. One thing that struck me, and in a way frustraited me, was that I realized how many "teen girls" there actually are here! Just yesterday there were 9 of us at the masjid and the ones there weren't even half of the ones in Corvallis. Sad, so sad :(. Allahuma ahdina wa ijm'ana 'ala taa'atuk..aameen.
One thing that really stuck with me from the dars yesterday was the way khala Dalia explained and put emphasis on the ayah "wa lakaad yessurna al Qurana lil dhikri fa hal min mudaakir". If you put SINCERE effort into memorizing or understanding or reading the Quran Allah swt will make it easy for you. The key though is sincerity. SubhanAllah, when you think about it you realize that sincerity is the key to so much in this life..and it is the only way we will attain Jannah; by sincerly worshiping and obeying Allah swt alone. It's really sad to see the lack of sincerity in the ummah. It is way way too common to find double standards and people saying with their tounges what they really don't have in their hearts. So what she said really stuck with me. Sincerity and effort in learning and implimenting the Quran in our lives.
so ya, I got up at 9 since there is something I really need to do and now its past 10 and I still haven't gotten to it. Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal. I should work a little harder at putting priorities straight.
chotu-meyeh
@ 4/01/2006 10:15:00 AM
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